Perfection or Kismet

For a long time I felt that I was just too flawed to have a relationship.  I thought that I would figure myself out first and then after I had eradicated or repaired every last bit of damage and become wildly successful, then I would be ready and someone would magically enter my life at the exact right time and he would think “look how brilliantly flawless she is.”  Kismet.  Well a girl’s got needs so a few years ago after a casual interaction developed into more, I started to realize how exhausting it was to be flawless.  Trying to find ways to pee quieter or, god forbid go “number 2.” Trying to mentally preprogram not farting in my sleep before going to bed, making sure I was dressed just right for the occasion and that I had my “sexy panties” on, that my apartment was clean, that I woke up first in case my 4&1/2 pound Chihuahua had an accident or to use mouthwash in case he kissed me.  Making sure that I was clean shaven, that my Greek thighs hadn’t gotten out of control… someone shoot me now.  Just writing this paragraph is stressing me out.

I mean the level of neurosis was  overboard. Freud would tell me it’s childhood trauma, Christians would tell me I needed Jesus (lucky for me I “accepted” him when I was a kid.  Score, in the bag!) and Chelsea Handler would tell me I need Belvedere and a Xanax and while all of those were probably valid, I knew none of them would help me with the big problem I was facing–I was not perfect yet.  Like a turkey whose little white plastic temperature gauge hadn’t popped I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t seem to be getting any closer either.

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I tried swearing off men, that didn’t work.  I tried dating casually, that didn’t work either and then, I fell in love.  It was beautiful and magical and we made out on bridges like the movies.  I knew I wasn’t perfect yet but when I was with him it felt like I was.  Like we were so perfect together that it made up for my imperfection.  Well life got in the way for Prince Charming and I, the fairytale poofed into thin air like Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage.  There I was again, trying to figure out what it was about me that needed to change and improve to be ready for love.  Was it because my pedicure was chipped?

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Happy to come to the realization that was not the cause, I looked around and realized there were flawed people all around me in relationships.  Now most of them weren’t the type of relationships I wanted to be in and one person or both seemed to be dissatisfied with their current situation so that brought the next question; are we all just flawed people destined to be in unsatisfying, flawed relationships? 

No.  We are all perfect in our uniqueness and destined to be in the perfect relationships for us at the perfect time.  Every relationship I have had gave me exactly what I needed at the moment and either provided some type of contrast that clarified what I really wanted or granted me a hell of a story to put into my music.  I see how fortunate I am to be in my profession as it’s the only one I know of that turns heartbreak into *ching* and bling.  

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Through my explorations in dating I realized I didn’t need Prince Charming like every chick flick taught me I did, but also that I wasn’t as bat shit crazy and mangled as I thought I was.  I was just a normal girl and this is life.  There is no waiting and preparing for love or success or destiny, this is it.  Part of the beauty of our experiences is that they don’t last and perfection is what’s happening around us right now.  My life is perfect.  I am perfect.  Everything I do or do not do is perfect for me and occurring in perfect time.  Does that mean I don’t occasionally worry about things?  That I always feel good about my body and that my stomach doesn’t still jump when I get a text from a certain someone?  Hell no, but it means realizing that there are no holes in me to fill.   Like I had lived the last 5 minutes of Pinocchio and become a real girl, I felt all the pressure slip away and said to myself “I think I’m ready now.”

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