For most my life I’ve been a bit of a loner. Ok, more than a bit of one. I was home-schooled and drifted in and out of friend circles never really feeling like I belonged, but as response and a survival mechanism I learned to adapt very quickly and became a sort of chameleon. I’ve always had this feeling of “passing through” like some old cowboy in the wild west who hangs up his dusty boots for a night or two, falls in love with a parlor girl or town harlot, but then is called away on some bigger journey.
I’ve always felt a pull toward something greater. Greater than what? Greater than wherever I am right now. It’s not that I’m discontent and in fact most people consider me one of the happiest people they know and I appreciate the simple things in life. That said, I do not strive for the simple life in the sense of planting crops (which I have done) or making clothes from the cotton in my neighbors field that I bartered for milk from my goat that my five children then churned into butter and cheese to sell at the fair.
My aspirations lie somewhere between the earth and the sky, gently suspended between possible and impossible and I suspect that I will always, no matter where I am in life, feel this pull for something greater, bigger and more. I think this desire must reside in others because I see the movies that become popular and the music that floods the airwaves and all of it has the capacity to make one feel larger than life. Yachts, black AMEX, private jets and all sorts of other material things have infiltrated music, but I think what people are really grasping onto is this sense of freedom, being limitless and true loss of inhibition. Living for happiness as opposed to obligation and other peoples expectation–fun! That’s why people are so in love with music and musicians, because the really amazing ones are doing it because they love it and others feel that love. Everything is energy and permeates everything else so when someone is really showing love for something, you can’t help but feel it and respond.
We inherited a lot of damage and warped traditions from past generations but there comes a point where I realized the past doesn’t exist anymore. As cliche as it might sound, right here, right now, is really all you have. The past isn’t real. The future doesn’t exist yet. Right now, this table, the Champagne on my lips, the french fries with mustard on my tongue and the keys beneath my fingers, these are real. The group of cute, nerdy foreign guys next to me, that’s real. The exhausted waiter that is working overtime on Thanksgiving. What do I do with this moment? I milk it for all it’s worth.
It’s Thanksgiving, I love the holidays so much and I am so grateful for right now. I’m not with my blood family, my evening didn’t go exactly as planned, but I just shared an authentic smile with the guy clearing my table, these fries are satisfying my inner fat kid on a level I can’t explain and somehow deep inside I’m overtaken with joy. I’m still searching, still smiling and still soaking it all up.